Right, Mom?

Jacob has an odd conversational quirk (which is starting to bug me.) Rather than asking a question, he'll make a statment followed by "Right, Mom?"

No: "Can you see that building over there?" Instead: "You can see that building over there. Right, Mom?"

No: "Are we going to meet Kaden there?" Instead: "We're meeting Kaden there. Right, Mom?"

Sometimes, this also comes into the conversation as reassurance of a statment.
No: "Hey, it's snowing!" Instead: "Look outside, it's snowing! Am I right, Mom?"

Yesterday, he said some form of "Right, Mom?" 4 times in the 10 minute car ride to karate. I asked him why he says it so much and he said this: "well, I can't say it at school, so I have to say it to you."

Is this a quirk? A phase? Is he seeking reassurance?.... does he just want to always be correct?... is it simply to make sure that I'm still paying attention to the conversation?

Or is this some form of Northern-speak and we're just substituting "right, mom?" for "eh?"

"Look it's snowing, eh?"

Halloween Pictures

Finally - Halloween pics. Allison went as Dauphne from Scooby Doo and Jacob was Batman. Even though Halloween was a full month ago - the candy is still hanging around.



It was a pleasant Halloween Day - though. Here are the kids in their super-cute T-shirts.

Haven't posted in a month!

It's been a whole month since our last blog post. So much has happened..... well, not really. There was Halloween - and there are pictures - sometime I'll get the camera hooked up to the computer.

Jacob got the flu the other week - he vomited at school - which was quite traumatic for him.

Allison is enjoying piano lessons. We now have 4 variations of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to practice.

Brian and I had a babysitter last night - with no particular plans. That never happens.

Jacob got to take Nintendo DS to Allison's brownie scouts meeting the other day and he wanted to make sure I had both the DS and the charger and TWO cases (one for the DS and one for the charger). I said we didn't need two cases - we only needed one. An argument ensued, then Jacob said "why don't you just take two cases so that I won't have to keep complaining?"

I laughed and said we could take zero cases... Jacob decided that one was just perfect.

The apple falleth not far...

Last night we went to get flu shots (we being Allison, Jacob and myself). We were one of the last groups to go (6:50pm and then ended at 7pm). As the nurse came out and called our names - Allison ran up and said "Can I go first?!" probably not the typical response from kids getting shots. Jacob was more reserved - perhaps with fresh memories of his 5-yr shots in August and a grave concern that they would "poke a hole in him."

So - Allison up first, she wiggled, did and "OW!" and then was done. Sticker time! Mom went next. I hate shots. Oh well. Then it was Jacob's turn. He was opposed. I held his arms, the nurse gave him the shot and he screamed bloody murder until she said "Done!" at which point the volume was instantly lower and Jacob sat up and said "really?" He hopped down and went to pick out his Batman sticker.

Then suddenly Jacob said he didn't feel good. He started to grab his throat saying that it hurt and he was getting sick. I sat him down in the chair - he was now quite pale, shaky, and visably upset. Our very calm nurse said "I'll be right back" and seconds later returned with two other nurses - who asked me "was he this pale when he came in?" and "has he every had a flu shot?" To which I said - no and yes. We laid Jacob down on the table, got hom some water and they checked his blood pressure, oxygen, and pulse. All fine. The doctor also came in to check him and said he was Ok. Apparently it was a reaction to the stress and the thought of the shot.

She suggested we have him lay down for all shots in the future - as these things tend to get a little worse as kids get older. Gee - getting queasy from shots..... I don't know where he gets that AT ALL. We can both blame Grandpa Jim.

Every Girl's a Princess

Last weekend, Allison and I went to the Every Girl's a Princess event at Fox Valley Technical College.



You sign up for a time and when you get there - you're "princess" is wisked off by a royal attendant who helps them pick out a dress, jewelry, and make a wand.



Then they are "announced" and have their picture taken. The attendant then takes the girls to make a little memory book.



Then we went to the "Royal Tea" where students in the culinary arts program have prepared a little tea meal and you're served in the dining room. Allison was a little weary of all the people and sounds at the beginning - but she really got into it and had a very good time.

Pumpkin Patch

A few weeks ago we went to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard. We met a very friendly / loud donkey:


Took a horse-drawn carriage ride:



And then walked over to the orchard and enjoyed some hot cider and an AWESOME apple pie.

5 Stages....

I’ve decided (and I am apparently not the only one given a quick internet search) that having a child with a disability requires a period of grief. Parents of kids with disabilities must “raise the child they have while letting go of the child they’ve dreamed of.” And if you think that sounds terrible or if you are a parent that said “all I want is 10 fingers and 10 toes” - I think you’re full of s**t. We want our kids to be musical, athletic, popular, and/or smart. We want them to avoid drugs, find love, be kind to others, and be happy. All of the above would be the best.

And this post is not about love – love is different – love is the bond that you get that helps you survive parenthood. Because we all love our kids – without that – frankly – no kid would get past the terrible 2’s. We love our kids with disabilities (and we love those without a disability.)

No the grief is about the hopes and dreams and we all have them for our kids and the real challenge of acceptance when their limitations are real and significant. Here's an annotated synapsis:

Stage 1: Denial. There is nothing wrong. He/she’ll grow out of it. Everything’s a phase, right? We need a better school / discipline / structure. It’s not OUR kid with a problem, he/she doesn’t fall into THAT category. It doesn’t apply to us. ((always the initial stage – but feel free to come back here anytime! ))

Stage 2: Bargaining. We need to find the “cause.” Get to the cause, get to the cure. I’m sure it’ll work out fine if we do X, Y, and Z. ((Google – we love you, but honestly, there’s a lot of kooky options out there. A spoonful of olive oil every day – sounds great! It worked for Sally Field! We’ll try it anyway –these are our KIDS we’re talking about for heaven’s sakes! We'd feel worse if we didn't try.))

Stage 3: Anger. Why did this happen to us? It’s not fair. Jealousy of everyone who doesn’t have to deal with X, Y, and Z. It’s not our child’s fault – it’s the other kids. It’s not our child’s fault – it’s ours. Resentment of others and, yes, even sometimes the child. ((nothing can be gained if you’re not honest here… we’re not proud of this phase. You say your Tommy is in the talented and gifted program, star soccer player, and was invited to 15 birthday parties last year …. I’m saying ‘great’ but thinking ‘f-you’))

Stage 4: Depression. Guilt. This problem will never get better. This phase will never pass. How do we possibly plan for the future? Will he or she ever achieve *fill in the blank*? Overwhelmed. ((if we’re smart here we seek out other people to share our experiences with…. we’re not always smart here. Why? Sometimes we’re embarrassed. Sometimes we think you won't understand because you don't have the same problems))

Stage 5: Acceptance. It is what it is. We will do the best that we can and trust that it’s good enough. We have new goals and new ideas and we measure progress based on those. We make changes and we adjust. ((if we’re lucky, we spend a lot of time here. Sometimes we’re lucky. The kids are the luckiest if we make it here. While the semantics of the word acceptance imply a certain sense of ease – it’s not easy to be here))

The most elusive – Stage 5. You think you’re there and then suddenly there is a new challenge, a new day, and you may go back to 4, to 3 or even to 1. Note – never talk with me within 24 hours of an IEP meeting (typically in March) – that’s a way for even the most seasoned parents of kids with disabilities to go straight to 3 or 4. Because sometimes acceptance for a period of time lulls you back into a sense that nothing’s wrong. You’ve revised your plans, made adjustments and it’s going great. And then it’s not – and you grieve all over again.

(End note - if your Johnny is a star soccer player, smart and a whip, and the most well-liked kid ever - I do really want to hear about it and will really be happy for you. Because if I'm in or around phase 3, I'm probably actively avoiding you..... at the very least I'm avoiding facebook. It's like Lake Wobegon in there....)

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14684-stages-of-the-loss-process/